| This can happen to you... |
[20 Oct 2008|05:17am] |
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin'
just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell them , 'No........I'm a
little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the
other
stall who keeps answering all my questions.
|
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| My Reponse |
[10 Aug 2008|10:15am] |
|
wowwww...... a bit of anger there from a prior situation I suppose. Anyway I figure your entitled to kniow some of my intimacies... you've been a faithful follower for a while now. Born in the deep south has put a extreme conservative nature to my complex personality and being raised in a Archie Bunker type household and era puts me in the category with those patriots that would rather burn my flag then to see a thing such as an obama rule my country. I was raised in the Bible belt states and Southern Baptist was all that was tolerated. Every thing else was a fornification of the true way to the highway to Heaven. Mom being a church choir director ensured me a spot close to the pulpit where hell , fire, and brimstone spewed out of a bible thump'n, finger point'n, speech spitt'n, early form of break danc'n, highly energized and self epitimized holy hero man of God. Yes, my dear friend...the cast was made for yet another of us that aren't able to see the world in any other way then a cynical bleek existence on a land created by a God highly capable of making numerous mistakes in creation and has anger management issues and an ego maniac controlling personality. I have traveled an amazing road of life thus far in which Random House Books thinks I have a story worth publishing. I've walked with kings and spent much of my life in the presence of celebrities and super-stars. I've traveled the globe twice and can attest to the fact that all men are NOT created equal. I've accomplished several life goals only to find I could've set the bar a lot higher. I totally believe I am a great visionary and often see the truth when others seem blinded by confusion. I have a tenacious appetite for writing and intuitively know that is an untapped art form I'm yet to see the full potential of.Capable of much but have been content with little, I walk cautiously by most relationships and stay focused on my search for THE ONE. At times I feel I've met her already since I feel I know so much about her or perhaps she is a combination of many I've seen potential in. This I do know..... The collision of our souls is inevitable and a frieght train ramming its depot at top speed is what I forsee in its arrival. The total destuction of each of our lives will occur in its romance in order that we both build a unified existence.That's my story and I'm stick'n to it....Michael C. said that
|
|
| My Craigslist ad |
[10 Aug 2008|10:14am] |
My dear
It is with great pleasure and shiny eye that I opened my IM to see that you had once again knocked on my door. If only I had answered
your call, would I now be satisfied in having the most wonderful conversation with a inspiring and beautiful lady. You, my dear, have captured my eye with your stunning smile, and intrigue my desires with your aloofness and candor.
I wonder of the first meeting, the first glance, I wonder of the style in which we romance. Will we be friends, or lovers by chance.
It's really hard to say...until our first dance.
Our nerves will be shacken, our heads in a spin, butterfly's in our belly, our hearts ready to begin.
I clasp now her hand, that reached out to me, and pull her close, so comfortably. Her gaze is hypnotic, I try not to stare, her smile is appealing, she glows..but unaware.
I ponder the motives, the method, and such, and decide that I like her, and probably a bunch.
I'll retire to my room now, my soul still feels hollow, I'll leave the light on, in hopes that she'll follow.
Goodnight my sweet angel...
Yes, I'm a writer. Short story romance pieces are my passion. A lady told me she thought I was too picky and that's why I was still single, perhaps because I didn't look her way. Ya know, ...1 of my favorite things to do is shopping. I love buying anything from clothes to housewares. The joy in finding the right accent for a room or interesting colors in shirts etc. can take an otherwise dull day to 1 of entertainment and joy. Searching for the right person should take time with thoughtful prose. After all, if they can't keep you interested on paper then how well do you think you will do in real life situation. This is the typical response to my posts ... Hi, I'm new to this whole Craigslist thing, I was looking for a new couch and stumpled upon the personals and found, your ad. (98% of the time that's their intro..) You sounded interesting and I never reply to these but I thought I would yours. No, I don't have a picture of myself cause I'm on somebody else computer, or at work, ard this is rich, ...( my picture is too big it won't send!! OMG... that's comforting-just how big are you?! And then comes.. Yea, I like country music and used to know someone that had a horse so we have a lot in common- ya wanna meet up? ugh.. yeah...I'll get right on it.. LOL maybe I've been away from the dating scene too long and don't recognize this as foreplay..yup, you'll tell me ,no doubt, it's my fault lol lol lol lol lol lmfao if your laughing at this point then I would like to hear from ya.. if your cynical and pissed by now, then I think I've heard from you already and you really don't need to respond
Michael
|
|
| I'm invisible.... |
[20 Jun 2008|07:15pm] |
I'm invisible!!
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be
taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"
Obviously not, no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see
me at all. I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:
Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a
pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a cl ock to ask, "What time
is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney
Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please." I was certain
that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied
history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had
disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going,
she's going, she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and
she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress;
it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was
pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut
butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turn ed to me with
a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a book
on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it
to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the
greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals; we have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they
would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God
saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to
visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a
tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and ask ed the man, "Why
are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be
covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied,
"Because God sees." I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into
place.
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I
see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No
act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've
baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a
great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become." At times,
my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is
erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.
It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right
perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who
show up at a job that they will never see finished, t o work on something
that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to
say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are
so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three
hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And
then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna
love it there." As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be
seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the
world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that
has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, Moms!
Michael C.
|
|
| Words of wisdom |
[11 Mar 2007|07:39pm] |
What women say - and what it really means.
A helpful guide for all men so they can finally
understand a woman.... well, perhaps....
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right, and you need to shut
up. Now!
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this
means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is
just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn
to help do things around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine (see #1).
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.
Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to
#3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay"
means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not
question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "%@&*
YOU!"
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another
dangerous statement, meaning this is something that
a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking "what's wrong" -for the woman's response
refer to #3.
"I believe that friends are quiet
angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering
how to fly."
Not all that wander are lost.
Si vis pacem, Para Bellum!
Michael C. said that
|
|
| just random thoughts |
[04 Mar 2007|05:33pm] |
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store, or at
Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgrunted?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
20. You never really learned to swear, until you learned to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the
two words "THE" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?
|
|
| Memories |
[27 Feb 2007|02:52pm] |
Close your eyes...And go back...
....Before the Internet or PC or the MAC......
.....Before semi-automatics and crack....
.....Before Playstation, SEGA, Super Nintendo, even before Atari...
.....Before cell phones, CD's, DVD's, voicemail and e-mail....
.....way back....
.....way.....way.....way back.....
I'm talkin' bout hide and seek at dusk
Red light, Green light
Red Rover....Red Rover.....
Playing kickball & dodgeball until the first...no...second...no....third
Streetlight came on
Ring around the Rosie
London Bridge
Hot potato
Hop Scotch
Jump rope
Duck....duck....GOOSE!!!
YOU'RE IT!!
Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home - no pagers or cell phones
Mother May I?
Hula Hoops
Seeing shapes in the clouds
Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open
The sound of crickets
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Cereal boxes with that GREAT prize in the bottom
Cracker jacks with the same thing
Ice pops with 2 sticks you could break and share with a friend
....but wait.....there's more....
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Swinging as high as you could to try and reach the sky
Getting an Ice Cream off the Good Humor Truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' down the steps
Jumpin' on the bed
Pillow fights
Sleep-overs
A 13" black and white TV in your room meant you were RICH
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from PLAYING
WORK: meant taking out the garbage or doing the dishes
Your first crush
Your first kiss
(I mean the one that you kept your mouth CLOSED and your eyes OPEN)
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7UP" or hangman" in the classroom, Remember that?
Oh, I'm not finished yet....
Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
So was a swig from the hose
Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips with soggy sandwiches
When nearly everyone's mom was a! t home when the kids got there
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance; and another quarter a MIRACLE
When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him
to carry groceries...And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to
the fate that awaited you at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because
of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of em!
Didn't that feel good?
Just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that!"
Well, let's keep going!! Let's go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly" or "Life"
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
Nobody was prettier than Mom
Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom or grandma and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles..
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were your worst tormentors, but also your fiercest protector !
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!
|
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| Humorious Statements |
[31 Jan 2007|07:48pm] |
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
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I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
-- W.C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
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| Are you listening?! |
[29 Jan 2007|09:56pm] |
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
|
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| I BELIEVE |
[29 Jan 2007|09:45pm] |
|
I believe -
. . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love
each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe -
. . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends
change. Remember that!
I believe -
. . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive them for that. Even if you think
you can't.
I believe -
. . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest
distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe -
. . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache
for life.
I believe -
. . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe -
. . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be
the last time you see them.
I believe -
. . that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe -
. . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe -
. . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe -
. . That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs
to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe -
. . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe -
. . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the
best time.
I believe -
. . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe -
. . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe -
. . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've
had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe -
. . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe -
. . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop
for your grief.
I believe -
. . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we
are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe -
. . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change
your life forever.
I believe -
. . two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
totally different.
I believe -
. . that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who
don't even know you or by people that you don't even know.
I believe -
. . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend
cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe -
. . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe -
. . that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too
soon.
Michael C.
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|
| OVER 40 |
[24 Jan 2007|12:30pm] |
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
|
|
| Still looking |
[24 Jan 2007|12:00pm] |
To love another person is to make yourself vulnerable. You are giving them the power and responsibility to make you happy or make you cry. You are no longer a loner. You become affected by their moods and actions. You'll experience highs that drugs can barely replicate. That euphoria will make you bold and do things that you had previously shun and disdain. Writing cheesy poetry, listening to sappy love songs, and empathizing with romantic movie characters! You'll feel complete, whole and secure. Like an emotional fuzzy security blanket. If only it could last forever.
When the highs dip low and doesn't stop. Everything hurts. The emotional pain manifests into physical pain. You could really die of a broken heart! That emotional security blanket was ripped right out of you and torned to shreds. You are left with bits and pieces. Struggling to cope and find that balance from before.
Yet even knowing all this, you will want to fall in love again because there is nothing like it. It's my drug of choice.
Michael C. said that
|
|
| SENSITIVE MAN |
[24 Nov 2006|11:58pm] |
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are
three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the
middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the
top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to
have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,
she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the
one!
Maybe he could be the future father my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off
each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so
overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into
her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.
|
|
| rymes for big kids |
[24 Nov 2006|11:57pm] |
Nursery Rhymes For Big Kids
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
|
|
| The Monastery Life |
[20 Jul 2006|11:54pm] |
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says , "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of
years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ,
we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
Not all that wonder are lost.
Michael
Si vis pacem, Para Bellum!
|
|
| what?! |
[28 May 2006|06:25pm] |
This is amazing – See Comment Below
TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and
local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft R egistration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world,
had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and only one parent had
to work to support the family.
What the hell happened ???????
|
|
| The Answers |
[02 May 2006|09:19pm] |
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
|
|
| Food For Thought |
[02 May 2006|08:15pm] |
Enjoy!
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never
thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's
only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?
Do you ever wonder why you
|
|
| thanks Mr. Rooney |
[05 Apr 2006|08:51am] |
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason. That is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not ! Go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON. I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
|
|
| The Value Of A Drink |
[25 Mar 2006|05:29pm] |
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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